In a move that JMP HR is calling legally courageous and definitely NOT a labor law violation, JMP leadership has officially announced the appointment of Cameron, our 12-year-old unpaid intern from last summer, as the company’s first Chief Intern Officer (CIO).
The promotion comes after Cameron’s legendary 2025 summer stint, during which she introduced a new predictive model in JMP that runs a vibe check to determine if a project is slay or flop before it hits the production phase. She also successfully explained to three Systems Engineers that rizz is not a statistical distribution.
Rumor has it that even JMP founder John Sall (@John_Sall) was impressed after Cameron reviewed his latest JSL script and casually noted that while the logic was mid, the algorithmic complexity was giving main character energy.
A new era of vertical integration
As CIO, Cameron will oversee the JMP intern program and report directly to the executive suite. Her primary responsibilities will include:
- Translating JMP’s technical documentation into brain-rot slang so that the Gen Alpha generation can finally understand R-squared values.
- Using cluster analysis to ensure that no two work besties are sitting too far apart.
- Replacing all office chairs with beanbags and updating the dress code to include oversized hoodies.
Cameron's best business advice? "Dress for the job you want (Chief Intern Officer), not the job you have (middle school student)."Wisdom beyond her middle-school years
"We realized that our traditional hierarchy was missing a vital perspective, specifically, the perspective of someone who has never paid a mortgage," Research and Development Director Audrey Shull (@Audrey_Shull) said. "While the rest of us are worried about p-values and data visualization, Cameron is focused on what really matters: why we aren't using TikTok filters for our 3D scatterplots."
Speaking of TikTok, Cameron’s first executive order is replacing Monday morning meetings with a mandatory 30-second dance-off.
The compensation package
While the role remains technically unpaid, Cameron was approved to receive a lucrative compensation package including:
- Unlimited access to the fountain drinks and M&Ms in the break room.
- A gift card to Sephora to keep up with her intense skincare regimen.
- A signed permission slip from CEO Jon Weisz (@Jon_Weisz) for any upcoming field trips.
When asked for comments, Cameron was unavailable, as she was reportedly in the middle of a high-stakes quiz in Math Plus.
Wait, don’t call HR just yet!
If you haven't checked your calendar today, Happy April Fools’ Day! Cameron is not actually running a part of the company (at least not until she finishes 8th grade), and our intern program remains strictly governed by traditional labor laws. Thanks for being such good sports!
In case you missed it, you can find Cameron's (and all of our extremely talented summer interns') work from summer 2025 here:
We look forward to welcoming our newest interns in about a month!
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